Mother-in-law Vs Daughter-in-law

Now a days most of the TV channels are fond of showing “Saas-Bahu (mother-in-law – daughter-in-law)” sitcoms and I am sure the noontime and the prime time slots are exclusively reserved for them and without fail episode after episode the serial continues eternally. This relationship has got mythological roots too. The famous Telugu Vaggeyakara Tallapaka Annamcharyulu also got enticed into penning one kirtana on Lakshmi and Saraswati, the consorts of Lord Vishnu and his offspring Lord Brahma respectively!

During 1960s my father got a house constructed in Chemmumia Pet, a small hamlet about 5-6 km from Cuddapah (Kadapa) town on Cuddapah – Rayachoti route. Our house was on the roadside, away from the village, very near to the railway level crossing. It is Bombay-Madras railway at that time in the jurisdiction of Southern Railway. We moved to the new house in February 1965. There was no electricity those days and we were being ducked into bed by our parents a little after 8 pm. Ours was an isolated house as the village was a little far away. Our pastime happened to be watching the trains chugging on the rails and counting the number of railway bogies of the running train. We used to walk to Sri Ramakrishna Higher Secondary School.

My father was Inspector of Schools and the elementary school in the village also was under his jurisdiction. Over a period of time the villagers became acquaintances. And slowly the lady folk also started befriending mother. One summer evening we were about to retire, when we heard a ‘thud’ outside the house. We were scared. Father opened the front door ajar and there , sitting in the veranda, was a lady crying. Mother recognized her as one of the villagers and asked her what was the reason of her crying. Between the sobs the woman blurted out her sob story. It was the usual family skirmish. The woman more often than not used to declare that she would not take this ill-treatment meted to her either by her husband or by his ‘attamma(mother-in-law)’ any further and the only resort she had was to fall under the running train and commit suicide! Our parents used to listen patiently and offer sympathies. We, the children used to get scared and used to visulaise the husbands or the attammas as the devil incarnates out to torture the innocents! After sometime, either the husband, or the children used to come and there used to be further crying and cajoling. After much persuasion, the woman used to go back home along with the people. These instances, later on, became quite common and there used to be these ‘suicide’ attempts by many a daughter-in-law and the entire situation became notoriously familiar and repetitive. Every time the story used to end peacefully.

One evening there was again this ‘thud’ and sure there was this usual sight of a wailing woman. Mother went out and started the usual sermon and discourse offering her sympathies now and then. This time the woman was adamant and firm on committing suicide! She began recounting all the ‘inhuman and barbarous’ treatment meted to her by her in-laws and how the ‘the most useless husband that ever was born’ stood and watched! She would never go back to that hell again! “That narakam (hell) up there is heaven compared to this living narakam here!” she declared. The sobbing and harangue continued. But this time even after one hour or so nobody came in search of her!

We, the children were getting ennui and were thinking that if she were really that adamant on dying, why stop at our house instead of directly heading towards the railway crossing?

Presently there was a booming voice of a virago. It was like thunder released with full blast. There was this instant silence from the wailing woman! The old lady (apparently mother-in-law), no sooner she appeared on the scene, than began hurling choicest abuses at her daughter-in-law. “If you were so particular about dying, why did you stop here? You should have gone there! ” Indicating the railway track, she caught her by the neck and began pushing. Come on, I will help you. “You people should not entertain these cowards” she advised our mother. We were all dumbstruck. Suddenly the daughter-in-law broke free of her attamma’s clutches, bolted out and ran away, not toward the railway track but toward the village!

Culture shock over a cup of tea

Our country’s first president, Babu Rajendra Prasad, who was also an erudite scholar once observed : “kos kos mein badale pani, char kos mein badale bani” Roughly translated it means for every distance of a kos (krosh, an ancient Indian measure of distance approximately equals 2.25 miles or 3.6 km), quality of water changes and the dialect of the region changes for every four kos (10 miles or 16 km).

We can extend that logic to different cultural ethos in our country. Given the vastness of the land and the almost antique nature of myriad cultures that have been coexisting since millennium places our country in a unique position. Confluence of different cultures that occurs as a result of constant migration and assimilation and adaptation to the new environment could, at times, results in a situation that would seem incongruous with respect to well accepted societal dogmas and social ethics. Even the mundane things like social practices and behaviour which we take for granted amongst ourselves would get metamorphosed and acquire different hues. Let me narrate an experience of one of my friends who left his native state Tamilnadu and reached Bombay (now Mumbai) in search of a job and married to a second generation Tamilian girl whose grandfather migrated and settled in Mumbai during early 1930s. The girl was also employed in a Government organization.

You see, even after a couple of months into our marriage, I was still searching for accommodation. I was staying as paying guest in Anushaktinagar and my wife was still at her parents in Sion (a suburb of Mumbai). On a Friday evening after work, I went to my in-laws. Thinking that I would have evening tea and snacks and possibly dinner there I skipped afternoon tea at office and leisurely reached Sion by 5 PM. My brother-in-law opened the door and said “hi”, shook hands and received me. Both of us entered the hall and from there he called out to say that bava has come. Mother-in-law greeted me. I was told that my wife was yet to come. After some pleasantries, mother-in-law went inside and presently she called her son to inquire if I would wish to have tea or coffee. You see I was still harbouring the good old traditional practices we used to observe in our homes in Madras (Now Chennai). You know what would be our usual response! Normally we initially say no, the other party would insist that we should have and this gets repeated a few times and at the end we reluctantly agree to have either coffee or tea!

Thinking that similar behaviour would be in order, I said I don’t want anything. I was eagerly awaiting a second round of requests. But none came. My brother-in-law went inside and told his mother that bava did not want and he came out holding his cup of tea. Presently mother-in-law also came out with her cup of coffee. Sitting royally in front of me they began sipping the beverages. Imagine my situation! Here I am, thinking that I would get sumptuous treatment at Sion, skipped tea at office. Now I was left high and dry. I was getting annoyed and tried to show my displeasure on my face. But no use! They did not even notice and began chitchatting about all the sundry things trying to draw me also into their conversation. I was feeling lost but at that time my wife came from office. ‘Thank God! Now that she has come I would get the proper treatment’. I smiled inwardly.

My wife greeted me and enquired if I brought the good news of any accommodation. I smiled at her. She went inside and after changing, she came back and sat beside me. She touched my shoulder and asked no one in particular if I was served. Before I opened my mouth, my brother-in-law blurted out that they enquired and I did not want any thing. My wife simply nodded and without speaking went inside and came out holding her cup of tea! Sitting beside me, sipping slowly and contentedly and enquired how long it takes to look for accommodation. I did not gather enough courage to ask for tea.

My friend told me that after a few years he got Departmental accommodation and set up the family. He recalled this incident in front of his wife. She sympathized with him and told that he should have been more open and indicated that he would like to have tea. None of them would have objected to it and gladly obliged. It was a perfectly natural behaviour. Or she should have known my predicament and would have acted accordingly!

India’s national pledge : Height of honesty

Immediately after the war with China during 1960s, there was this patriotic fervour through out our beloved country. I distinctly remember there were many patriotic songs penned by famous poets through out the country and each one of us was so enthused with the entire environment prevalent at that time in the country. A national pledge was also introduced in schools and the schools used to start the daily work after reciting the national pledge during school assembly. I do not know the origins of the national pledge and its author. I believe it is embedded in our constitution. During 1964-68, I was studying in Sri Ramakrishna Higher Secondary School in Cuddapah (now it is Kadapa). If my memory does not fail me, it was in that school we started reciting the national pledge during school assembly.

The words of the National Pledge are:

India is my country and all Indians are my brothers and sisters.
I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage.
I shall always strive to be worthy of it.
I shall give my parents, teachers and all elders, respect, and treat everyone with courtesy.
To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion.
In their well being and prosperity alone, lies my happiness.

Jayaram was also in my class. He was a very good cricket and ball badminton (not shuttle cock) player. During evenings, it was either cricket or ball badminton. We also used to do combined studies. On alternate weekends we used to meet at his house or mine for doing Maths. He used to call his mother as “vone”. Later he told me that that word was a short form for another Telugu word “vadina” meaning sister-in-law. We were surprised hearing this. Who would call his mother as vadina? He confessed that during his childhood, Jayaram‘s uncle (younger brother of his father) used to stay with them. On hearing his uncle calling vadina, Jayaram also picked it up to call his mother! That habit was continued.

During the school assembly all the students in a class were made to stand according to their heights starting from short students in the front to the tall students in the rear. Jayaram was tall and naturally his place was in the last row and I used to stand in the front line. Our drillmaster was the coordinator during school assembly. He used to be very strict and invariably we were always on time to the school assembly. One day I was late and after due punishment (two spankings on the palm) I was made to stand in the rear line beside Jayaram. He clucked sympathetically. I was massaging my hurting palms and suddenly recitation of the pledge started. I also joined the chorus of voices. After the first line of the pledge, Jayaram mumbled something under his breath before taking up the second line of the pledge. I could not get him and I looked at him quizzically but he avoided my looks. I was curious and next two or three days I managed to be close to him during school assembly. Every time, during the recitation, after the first line of the pledge he always mumbled something.

My curiosity became unbearable and I forced Jayaram to come out clean of his mumblings. He sheepishly told that there was something wrong in the wordings of the first line of the pledge and he was trying in his own way to recite the correct version! I was astounded that none of us including the teachers were in the know of this mistake and wondered as to how Jayaram could find out the mistake and what was the mistake any way?

At first Jayaram was very reluctant to open up. On persistent nagging he coyly told this: “you see the first line of the pledge is All Indians are my brothers and sisters. Don’t you see there is something wrong there? How can that be true? All of us are going to get married in future and my future wife and her relatives will never be my brothers and sisters. So I was always mumbling ‘except a few ’ after the first line to take care of the gaffe in the phrase”